How can I stop being a people pleaser?

Understanding People Pleasing: A Deep Dive

As a self-confessed former people pleaser, it's only accurate that I share how I journeyed from always saying "yes" to finding a balance in life. You see, there's an inherent trap in this idea of wanting to please everyone around you. You end up somewhat devaluing yourself and living as per the whims of others. Elinor, my spouse, often found it annoying how I used to accommodate everyone's desires except my own. So, how exactly did I and how can you stop being a people pleaser?

Recognizing People Pleasing Tendencies: Am I A People Pleaser?

Before any change can occur, recognizing the problem is the first point of order. As a writer, I communicate with words. This mirrors our day-to-day activities where we use words to express thoughts, feelings, and desires. Apollo, our African Grey Parrot, never fails to fascinate me with his ability to mimic human speech. Just as Apollo learns to replicate phrases and pick up on the emotions around him, we have learned over time to become people pleasers. To facilitate that, let's do a bit of soul searching. Do you find it hard to say "no"? Do you feel responsible for others' feelings? Do you often stay silent to avoid conflicts? If the reflection on such questions is majorly yes, then friend, you might be a people pleaser.

Unpacking The Why: Reasons Behind People Pleasing

Now, why do we people please? Ironically, it's not exactly to please people as it is generally known. In my case, it used to be a fear of rejection. Elinor was astute enough to point this out. The fear of disappointing people can stem from various sources, often rooted in our past experiences or upbringing. As humans, we are made for connections, and what's better than to connect with a smile and going out of your way for someone? Except, when it becomes a reflex than a choice, it begins to chip away at your authenticity, and that's a steep price to pay.

Navigating Towards Change: Steps to Stop Being A People Pleaser

With these realizations, it was time to switch gears. My initial attempts were about as graceful as Max, our Siberian Husky, trying to catch his own tail! One step which helped me a lot was learning to say "no". The power of "no" is energizing. It doesn't make you an arrogant person, rather it displays self-care and self-respect. Elinor was ever so supportive during this phase, helping me steer towards a path that was fair to me and others. Pro tip: Start with small refusals, and gradually build your comfort level. Reflect on situations where a "No" would be more appropriate and believe in your decision.

Strike a Balance: Setting Healthy Boundaries

Saying "no" is one step towards breaking free from the people-pleasing habit, but the complete roadmap involves more. Day by day, I found myself getting better at recognizing when I was about to step into the people pleaser mode. Deciphering when to help without compromising yourself comes gradually. It's setting up healthy boundaries. You see, saying yes to everything is like cracking the door open to an unending stream of requests. Over time, you’ll realize that the more you express your boundaries, the happier and less stressed you radically become.

Becoming Authentic: Balancing Empathy and Assertiveness

Being an empathetic creature has immense benefits, keeping you in touch with human feelings and needs. But it's equally important to be assertive enough to voice your needs too. I am an empathetic writer and husband. My writing involves an exploration of human emotions, and as a husband, I am ever ready to lend a comforting ear to Elinor. However, it took me a long time to understand that empathy does not equal indefinite self-sacrifice. Apollo, an intuitive creature that he is, can sense human emotions. He replicates comforting sounds when someone is upset. That's empathy in action, but being assertive is maintaining your stance when someone pulls your tail! Does Apollo let anyone do that? No! And neither should you.

The Journey Goes On: Continuous Learning

My journey from an all-out people pleaser to a man who is still learning the ropes of asserting his own needs has been liberating to say the least. When writing blogs such as this, in the hope it resonates with someone out there, it amplifies my drive to continuously learn and develop. As humans, we evolve, and it’s important to perceive personal growth as a continuum. And while pleasing others can provide short-term satisfaction, remember it’s also crucial to please yourself. Don't forget your needs, desires, and wishes, because just like Max needs his walks and Apollo his toys, we all have our wants and needs, and it's balancing them that makes life a wonderful journey.